As the years go by I notice that I only have myself. You try to satisfy the ones you love so that they can be happy but whatever you give them is just never enough, something always seems to be wrong in their eyes. Should life really be this way? Is it fair that the harder you try the more obstacles you have to face? I feel like I never get a break, my moments of true happiness are very limited and rarely occur if we compare it to the dark ones. Holding on by a string and having to work with what you have is so hard esp. when you know that you are not getting support from anyone and when they try to “help” all they do is criticize. You can’t live your life based on the expectations of others because they will always want you to give more no matter how much you have given already. I hate complaining but there just comes a time when enough is enough. You hold things for years and years trying to keep the harmony not knowing that while you are so focused on the happiness of others your own life slowly turns into a living hell. At times you must be selfish and learn to put yourself first because in order to really help others you must first be well physically and emotionally with yourself.
I have learned that there will always be critics no matter how perfect you try to be. I wonder how I have gotten myself into so many situations that makes me look like the bad guy when all I try to do is help others and make a difference. Sometimes I wonder if I am being punished for something that I have done but do not remember? I shouldn’t have to live with the constant fear of being observed and judged because no one is perfect and trying to be will only drive you insane. I am going to start to not care. Even though that is so hard for me I know it is something that I have to do to be able to live my life the way I want to. It’s sad to know that no one really understands and that all they do is make their own assumptions about situations they are not even aware of. But like Ashanti says
“I’m gonna close my eyes, and I’m gonna live my life. Despite what you think I’mma be free cause I’mma be me.”
It’s time to free myself from it all.